NOTE: The contents of this article were originally a Facebook post. That was the inciting incident that led me to start this blog. i.e. The sheer need to get my thoughts down in some form or another.
**WARNING! Sexually explicit, angry rant up ahead! Read at your own cost**
A while ago, I decided to make an active effort to not get political online because it goes nowhere. I was going great. Then this Trump dossier came out and I thought “fuck it, new year’s resolutions were made to be broken”. At least I lasted 2 weeks. I guess, I’ve come to terms with who I’ll be for the next 4 years (possibly 8, God forbid) in light of this new American administration: sitting, mouth agape in horror, while morons drive this clown car of a country off a cliff with their collective stupidity damning the rest of us to a fiery inferno. So for your entertainment, here’s me having a nervous breakdown:
For those who don’t know, although I can’t imagine how, the Trump dossier was a file leaked by MI6 officer, Christopher Steele, that made startling allegations implicating Donald Trump and the Russian administration and the FSB in collusion through blackmail. What were they blackmailing Trump with? Apparently a video of Trump engaging in salacious sexual acts involving Russian prostitutes and urine, or as R. Kelly calls it: “a good night out”.
It’s important to remember that this document was waiting to be verified till Buzzfeed leaked it, probably posting it in between hard-hitting journalistic pieces like “If You Can Get 8/10 On This Spelling Test, You’re A Color Genius” and “Build A Burger And We’ll Tell You Where You’ll Meet The Love Of Your Life” (Yes, those are both real). It’s a bit underwhelming when it comes to who leaked the info. It’s like watching a toddler arrest a mob boss. But, at least we now finally know why Trump’s skin is the same colour as my urine after a long night’s binge drinking.
Far be it from me to raise eyebrows over someone else’s sexual proclivities. I’m not one to judge and I frankly don’t care what gets him off. To each his own, whether that means being peed on by Russian escorts, autoerotic asphyxiation or getting leathered up in a group of midgets and listening to cannibal corpse with your nipples hooked up to a car battery. Sexuality is a beautiful spectrum is what I’m saying. What really makes the story is the element of Tom Clancy meets Fifty Shades of Grey espionage intrigue.
If the allegations contained within the dossier are true, then Trump really was planning some form of budding bromance with Vladimir Putin, everyone’s favourite bite-sized Bond villain with a gay pornstar’s name (coincidence?). This makes a frightening amount of sense considering Putin’s general strategy of propping up right-wing authoritarian figures within governments to allow him to further the aims of his thinly veiled global plutocracy which is essentially the political equivalent of millionaires worldwide giving each other a massive world-spanning reach-around while planning where to build their next pipeline. In some ways Russia is more like America than America.
Once Buzzfeed opened the floodgates other outlets begrudgingly followed suit on talking about the unverified claims. A lot of media companies are getting flak for reporting this but they sort of have no choice anymore. How could you not report on it, when there’s a possibility that reality starts looking like a high stakes, big budget porn parody of “Hunt for Red October” (wait… “Cunt for Red October”? Call me, Hollywood, I am a goldmine of porn parody names!). The headlines were everywhere: “The Trump Dossier Is Fake” said the front page of Forbes, “The ‘Trump Dossier’ and the Making of Intelligence” proclaimed the Atlantic and “Nothing to see here! Look at the shiny thing! Look at the shiny thing over there!” said Russia Today.
Maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. What if the peeing did happen but it wasn’t sexual? Perhaps golden showers are just how unimaginably rich people put off a little steam, like how hippies use meditation or how assholes use Youtube comments. Maybe, in the same way that if a pigeon shits on you it’s considered good luck, a Russian hooker’s golden glory helps win elections?
What’s really strange about all this is that it wouldn’t be out of character for a man as weird as Donald Trump. That’s not to say that it happened…. BUT isn’t it strange that we now live in a world where that seems plausible. A world where there’s an American president who can non-consensually “grab em’ by the pussy” because he’s “famous and they let you do that”, starts twitter fights like a man-baby, ran a campaign trying to delegitimise the birth origins of America’s first black president saying he was from Africa and panders to every conspiracy theory under the sun (anti-vaccine, anti-global warming, you name it). If it did happen, it’s not the craziest thing he’s done… And that is the terrifying part. He does and says things in any given week that would disqualify you from a janitorial job at a McDonald’s, much less at the highest seat of power in the world. It’s made reality feel unreal and a bit wrong. He perhaps proves definitively that rich, white (or orange?) men in America can get away with pretty much anything they want, and they always have.
Whatever the case, I feel people are paying attention to precisely the wrong elements of this investigation. The Internet is very good at forwarding information but it’s piss poor (GET IT?) at making people focus on the right elements of those things. The boring parts of that document are in fact the most terrifying (FSB infiltration, direct requests for cabinet positions which seem to add up exactly to how Trump is currently operating, Trade policy proposals adjacent to the Russian oligarchy’s interests etc.). On top of that, a look at Trump’s cabinet ensures policies that are anti-labour (Andrew Puzder), pro-wall street (Steve Mnuchin), anti-education (Betsy DeVos) and anti-civil rights and minority (Jeff Sessions). On the plus side, everyone worldwide will be able to afford beach houses. It’s true, because thanks to global warming we’ll all be that much closer to the sea.
It’s a shame that in the Internet age we value the marketing shareability of an idea rather than it’s facticity. Especially when that is basically how Donald Trump got into power. By being a human meme generator that uses entertainment value and shock as a means of distraction. It frankly doesn’t matter whether Trump enjoys water sports or not because for the next 4 years we’ll all be getting pissed on by an international cadre of billionaires. Perhaps that’s what they always meant by ‘trickle down economics’.